2011: Bold and Beautiful

"Hi Mom, how are you?" *pause and listen* "I'd like to talk to you about something. I'd like to go to Frontier this fall. I know I haven't graduated yet, but if it is possible, I think college is the place for me this fall."

It was the summer of 1995. I was at a camp in Montana, where I had spent the last three weeks riding horses and learning to train them. I was thoroughly enjoying my time there, but with only a week left, was seriously contemplating my future. Sure, I was one of the three Seniors to be who had actually gotten the schedule I wanted, but I couldn't imagine spending another year of my life trudging up and down those same halls, knowing that all I was doing was fulfilling the state's requirements. Not learning. I had already learned anything that would be covered. No. It was just a way for the government to keep tabs on the young, and I saw no reason to play their games.

I knew that a diploma was not needed for a good life. I knew that a diploma would never give me what I wanted in life. So it was time to move on. Two weeks before college began, I was accepted. I was ready for a new life to begin.

I cut ties with things of old, said goodbye to those I knew and headed off into the unknown.

"It was a fine time for me. I was learning ... anything anyone would teach me."

--Wesley, The Princess Bride

Most of what I learned was good and useful, but I also learned to conform. To blend in. It was part of the rigidness of the college I chose to attend. After college, I married my best friend and became a Carmelina.

I learned to never stand out in a crowd. To always be what others wanted me to be. Having children made it easy. There was always someone needing something. Always something else to be done.

At the time, I didn't notice, and later, I didn't mind. It seemed to be the way it was suppose to be, but when I finally wanted to do something for me... well, let's just say that everyone who mattered had an opinion and it rarely was the same as mine.

The last two years, since I shut down my daycare to focus on homeschooling my children, have been difficult. At the time, we didn't need 'my money'. That made the initial decision easy, but without a job, I lost most of my social contact.

At first, I didn't notice. It was nice to have extra time, and as I pursued my children's education I also pursued my hobbies. Somehow that lead to blogging, and then to writing. I had never considered myself a writer, and found it funny that anyone would pay me for my scribblings, but nonetheless, they would.

Of course, as with anything else that I chose to do, someone else had an opinion. "Well, if you are going to put your time into that, focus on something that will make money. Hey! Why don't you write children's books?" So guilt set in. I tried to conform, but this was suppose to be my hobby. Sure, he complained about not having time for his hobbies, but if he didn't buy gear for them, we would have at least as much extra money as he was hoping I could make. Something about it just didn't seem right, but I tried anyway. I neglected the things I came to write for the things that others said were more pertinent.

It is a fine line to walk: the balance between doing what you came to do and doing what others expect of you. Is there a side that is right? Is it better to conform or stand out in a crowd?

In the last year I have struggled with depression and hopelessness. I have fought fear, and won. I have come to realize that I do succeed, and there is hope. Life is not pointless. In the last six months, I have found that, with a bit of stirring, dreams do come to life again. They rise up from the ashes of fires that have been left untended for far too long.

"You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I will stay. I will not be moved."

--Inigo, The Princess Bride

I too, have gone back to the beginning.

What was it that game me the courage to go out on my own, disregarding the rules of society? And what visions did I have back then?

These were the questions I asked myself. I knew I needed a direction. I needed to remember what was important, then decide if it was still important.

I think a lot of the clutter in our lives is made up of things that we are unsure of their value. We don't know ourselves, so how can we know what we want or need? We listen to others so much that we can't make decisions for ourselves.

When I went back to the beginning, what did I find?

I found courage and strength. I wasn't afraid to stand out in a crowd or to be different. I wasn't afraid to make my own road or to take a different path than anyone else I knew. Being alone didn't bother me.

This was a very important, because in recent years my greatest fear has been that I would have no friends. No one around me. No one who knew me.

I found determination and tenacity.  Do you have any idea how many times I was told I couldn't accomplish something?  I was too young.  I was too weak.  I didn't know enough.  And not that everything I tried was successful, at least not at first, I couldn't remember a time when I had persisted that I hadn't accomplished what I set out to do.

The other key word I found was 'should' or it's partner, 'should not'.  Everyone had an idea about how I should live, and back then, there was only One who's opinion matted.  He had written me a book, known as Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (BIBLE), that I took as my hand guide for life. 

Back then, it was only His opinion that could change mine.

I found clarity.  Back then, I knew what my goals looked like.  I had a vision for how things would turn out.  I knew not only what end results I was shooting for but how to get there.  The path was clear.

In this, I realized that I had no vision for the life I am living today.  I had never given much thought to what it looked like to be a wife or a mother, or the mile markers along the way.

Growing up, I had always assumed I would be a wife, but I never thought about what that really meant.  I know I assumed that it would just come naturally.  Really, I thought I would be my mother, a sort of Mary Poppins.  'Practically perfect in every way.'

My mom never seemed to be at a loss for the right thing to do in any given situation.  She could lead and guide.  She kept house and a large garden, homeschooled us four children, was involved in church activities and still had time to teach seminars.  More than once, I remember state senators arriving at our house to discuss home school laws with her.  They wanted to know her opinion as to what was best!

But I am not my mother.  Housekeeping does not come naturally to me.  A room looks clean as long as I have a book in front of my face.  And meal planning?  Seriously people!  Who came up with the idea of eating multiple times a day?  How about another cup of tea or a glass of water?  That should satisfy you.  Nah.  My family doesn't think so either.

So now, I am working on a vision for my family that fits my personality, without neglecting basic needs.  I can see bits and pieces, and overall, things are getting clearer. 

• Number one:  Hubby's opinion is not that important.  He would rather be taken care of than direct the process, and I say, 'if you ain't cooking, get out of the kitchen!'

Sure, I want my boys to grow into men, but what does a man look like. No, I mean a real man. What does that look like and how does a boy get there?

I need a vision for my children. I need examples of real men, and how their mothers raised them. I am looking to old stories for guidance. What made George Washington the man he was? Willing to risk everything in order to take a stand against the unjustness of the British government?

For now, there are a few things that I know, things I can clearly see:

1. Laughter to prevail, even if it means I have to tease them.
2. I want to see creativity and ingenuity, even if it means a mess.
3. They are going to learn to wipe down the toilet or sit! I am for a drip-less society.
4. They will be encouraged daily, if not hourly.
   

Being someone who walked my own road, companionship was not of the greatest importance to me.  I trusted very few people and therefore had very few friends.  This was fine with me!  The friends I had were the kind that would be there through thick and thin.  Besides, wouldn't you rather have a horse?

But seasons come and seasons go.  Time changes things.  What does friendship look like, when school no long sets that parameters?  I found that friendships do fade away, as people change.  I found that age is of no importance.  I found that common interests can only take you so far, and that a lack of common interests does not mean a lack of friendship.  I found that time and space cannot kill a true friendship.

I have found that real friends are held loosely.  They don't need to be kept.  They are there because they want to be.  My vision is to have friends both near and far, held in my heart, not my hands, where there is always room for more.  No more of this, 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' business for me!  I've had enough.  If people want to fly, they are free to go.  If they want to come back, my arms are still open and so is my heart.

2011 won't be about projects for me. There are no to-do lists to work through. This year is about being bold and being beautiful, my own way.

Thank you for reading. You are all appreciated!

Ivorwen, 2011.

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